The Big Boses LA Gastrothontastic!

These restaurants were hunted down ferociously by the tribe and all rate in our highest value category; 5 out of 5 claymores. If you only have time for a few, I’d suggest the top three.

All addresses are given as some locations aren’t the same quality. I’ve left In and Out burger off the list because it’s an LA gimme.

The Best Fish Tacos in Ensenada. *
http://www.bestfishtacoinensenada.com/
1650 Hillhurst Ave
Los Angeles‎ CA‎ 90027
You must have these tacos. Sessi’s mango salsa is brilliant with a little Mexican cream. There is a liquor store at the end of the block and Joseph, the owner, will let you bring in your own beer. If you go to one place to eat, this is it hands down. The tribe has spoken.

East India Grill*
http://www.eastindiagrillla.com/mobile.html
345 N La Brea Ave
Los Angeles‎ CA‎ 90036
Simply the best fucking curry on the planet. Period. They are from the Punjab region of India so they are the next door neighbors of Pakistan. Which is why their food is spicy and tasteful unlike most blah Indian food.

Daikokuya*
http://www.daikoku-ten.com/locations/littletokyo/
327 E 1st St
Los Angeles‎ CA‎ 90012
I never thought waiting an hour for a bowl of ramen would be worth it. In fact, I bitched at my friend the whole hour we waited for a booth. After we sat down and I got my food, I took one bite an apologized stating I would never complain again about the wait. Magical.

The rest are in no order but all worth checking out.

Poquito Mas
http://www.poquitomas.com/
3701 Cahuenga Blvd #1‎ CA‎ 91604
Everything there is great. The Chile Pasilla Plate is my favorite. This particular Mas has the best food, and you will see the odd celebrity here and there working over at Universal studios. I saw Keifer Sutherland, he got a burrito and interrogated a terrorist in the back. Also it’s across the street from In and Out burger and a block from Vivid Videos. Location, location, location.

Hot Wok
4840 Lankershim Blvd‎ CA‎ 91601
No website. Tiny hole in the wall place run by a strange Vietnamese man named Qwuan. Our favorite local character, we ate there at least one a week. He insisted we stay to watch Judge Judy with him. This man is a riot. His chicken lo mien is made from scratch everyday and is awesome. Warning: do not order anything but chicken and seafood menu items. Whatever this man does to beef and pork is unholy.

Vicious Dogs
http://www.viciousdogsnoho.com/
5231 Lankershim Blvd‎ CA‎ 91601
Just down the street from Hot Wok. I know most Angelenos will tell you “go to Pink’s” but fuck that. The line is too long, the food is overrated, and this place is better. The owner Willie will practically hug you as you enter and what he does with a hotdog is beyond words. He is always making something crazy like his thanksgiving dog: turkey dog with stuffing, gravy, and cranberry relish. I hate hotdogs and I ate here at least once a week.

Ernie’s
http://www.erniesnoho.com/
4410 Lankershim Blvd
North Hollywood‎ CA‎ 91602
The last of the Lankershim trinity. This hidden gem of the Valley is everything a Mexican restaurant should be. Giant drinks, mariachis on the weekends, and a great poorly lit atmosphere. I always get #47b and I recommend you do as well. Write it down.

El Compadre
http://elcompadrerestaurant.com/
7408 Sunset Blvd
West Hollywood, CA 90046
Home of the Flaming Margerita. This is the only place in LA for authentic Tex-Mex. Across the street from Guitar Center, it is a hangout for LA rock stars. Billy Gibbons from ZZ Top is usually haunting the back booth if he’s in town. I can’t think of a more ringing endorsement for your Mexican restaurant than BFG.

Fat Burger
http://www.fatburger.com/
10600 Ventura Blvd
Los Angeles‎ CA‎ 91604
Across the street from Poquito Mas this is another staple LA burger joint. Made famous by rapper Ice Cube it has been a haunt of musicians for decades. Always get the fat fries with your fat burger. Always.

Fish Grill
http://www.fishgrill.com/
7226 Beverly Blvd
Los Angeles‎ CA‎ 90036
Run by Israelis and strictly kosher it is an awesome place to get your fish on. The red snapper is perfect and their fries are incredible. Plenty of celebrity sightings as well but be careful Cuba Gooding JR doesn’t hit you in the ass with the door like he did me.

Taste Chicago
603 N Hollywood Way
Burbank‎ CA‎ 91505
Owned by actor Joe Mantegna, a Chicago native. He claimed he couldn’t find a decent Chicago deep dish pizza in LA so he just opened his own shop! A traditional deep dish will run you just under $30 bucks, it will take a full half hour to cook, and you will eat every damn piece of this thing! Worth. Every. Penny.

Flooky’s
http://www.myflookys.com/
21034 Victory Blvd
Woodland Hills‎ CA‎ 91367
This one is deep in the valley but worth the trip. The menu board is forty feet long with another two gigantic boards of daily specials. If you can’t find something to eat at Flooky’s, you aren’t fucking hungry. Go home.

Taylor’s
http://taylorssteakhouse.com/
3361 West 8th St.,
Los Angeles, CA 90005
Meat Boner. Walking into Taylor’s is like the 1970s and Raymond Chandler shit the most perfect restaurant since Goodfellows. Dark stained wood. Deep ox blood red leather booths. Specialty steaks. In a city of Class Four Vegans, stating they will never eat any vegetable that casts a shadow, Taylor’s is a forbidden treasure.

They have the rarely served anymore Culotte. It is a cut of steak that some carnivores most revere. Very few steaks can be cut from the top cap making this steak the filet mignon of the sirloin. Best marinated and a bit toothsome, the Culotte cut can only be harvested, two small diamond shaped pieces at a time, per cow.

Everything at Taylor’s is meattastic with a swanky Continental Detective vibe. This is the kind of place you want extra butter, sour cream, and bacon bits on that baked potato.

Go into this place to lay low, drink bourbon, and crush cow.

Neptunes Net
http://neptunesnet.com/
42505 Pacific Coast Hwy
Malibu‎ CA‎ 90265
Last but not least is Neptune’s Net. It’s a long but beautiful drive along the PCH. Filled with an eclectic mix of bikers, surfers, and brave tourists this place was featured is the first Fast and Furious, and Iron Man three. Incredible ocean view and fantastic seafood await. The restaurant is divided into two halves as you enter. Fried and Steamed. Leave the fried side for the amateurs and head into the steamed section for the best damn ceviche you will ever have. This was a once a month trip for the tribe.

So there you have it. This is my personal gastronomic tour of Los Angeles. There is plenty of good eats in town but these are my own personal gems that are a must whenever I’m in LA.

So says Boses.

The Ballad of Jayne’s Hat

First I’d like to apologize for the incredible gap in blogs, I assure you that I was truly trapped at the Post Office for the last four months.

Regardless, Jayne’s Hat! For those of you familiar with the subject skip ahead to the next paragraph. Firefly was a short lived space western series on Fox which Universal funded a feature film Serenity. The show never did well in the ratings or the box office but has a rabid fan base, called Browncoats, that have propelled the franchise into being very lucrative in DVD sales. On this show a character named Jayne Cobb, played by Adam Baldwin whom some of you might remember as Animal Mother from the film Full Metal Jacket. Jayne receives a hand knit hat from his mother and wears it in the show. The hat in total had only minutes of screen time but became the official symbol of the Browncoat fan community. It was something you could wear in everyday situations, but still broadcast to other fans in the know your devotion to Firefly.

So what’s all the hubbub? For years crafty Browncoats have been making and selling these hats. Most as a labor of love with their profits mainly being sunk back into materials and such. Being time consuming as any knitting project is, the truth of the matter is that nobody was getting rich off this enterprise.

That is until thinkgeek decided to license the hat from Fox and start selling them on their website. Since thinkgeek is too big to attempt this without the standard cadre of lawyers needed in Hollywood, they were deployed from the lawyer pits with most haste to partner with a licensed manufacturer.

The Browncoats had no problem with the website producing the hats even if it was for profit and the evil entity Fox was involved. The hats were really more of a quiet, DIY fan thing and the real fans would keep it that way.

That is until a barrage of C&D letters started raining from the heavens. Small mom and pop websites were being shut down by Fox for copyright infringement. Enraged Browncoats blew up twitter and reddit. Fox had cancelled the show after only airing it for four months, and for over ten years cared little of the fans making these hats.

So here is where thinkgeek screwed the pooch. When the outrage turned back on them they were quick to poorly spin the situation. They explained that their website received many requests to sell this hat and because it had to be licensed there was nothing they could do as it was Fox and not them enforcing the C&D.

This is false. There is no way thinkgeek’s BOD went forward with this plan without knowing full well that the Fox lawyers would be set loose to punish the innocent, the guilty, and any bystanders who gave them the pig eye.

Reeling from the onslaught of Browncoat ire and bad karma, the hammer was brought down when Firefly star Nathan Fillion entered the fray. As the star of the hit tv show, Castle, the former Firefly captain sided with his Browncoat loyalists much to thinkgeek’s chagrin.

The resulting fallout has been evolving in the past few days. Thinkgeek was left with one option, they punted. Instead of blindly saying “what can we do” and keep on cashing checks they reached a middle ground. All profits from the hat’s sales are being donated to Can’t Stop The Serenity. This is a charity in support of raising awareness for equality. Fillion retweeted thinkgeek’s new policy and promptly broke the Internet.

Now that order has been restored to the universe, thinkgeek can slink back home licking their wounds, Nathan Fillion is free to go back to solving crimes and being awesome, and the Browncoats can stand down for the time being.

As for Fox, they couldn’t give two shits about any of this as long as they get their dirty, dirty money. Otherwise the lawyers are going to make you drink from the fire hose.

So if there was a point to make, I’ve forgotten it. But as long as there is happiness and joy in the world, rest assured there are a team of lawyers ready to beat it to death with their briefcases.

Ceterum censeo Hollywood esse delendam.

Gambling and the Existential Experience of Crushing Other People’s Souls

I am no stranger to casinos. I have a love of human misery and buffets. This being said gambling is not my particular vice. Avarice, booze, and general skirt chasing are more my wheelhouse. Now I’ve noticed my friends who love to gamble and I’ve never made that connection. While adapting Dostoevsky’s The Gambler for a screenplay it occurred to me that I was far too pragmatic to engage in such risky behavior as gambling. As Fyodor noted, some folks risk so many other aspects of their lives that to gamble their finances on unpredictable outcomes seems beyond comprehension. For myself, slot machines are pointless. Roulette is not worth mentioning, blackjack passé. But poker… intriguing.

I was introduced to Texas Hold’em some years ago as I was part of the charter members of The Glendale Gentleman’s Poker League, or GGP. At first it appeared your cards determined the outcome. It didn’t click for many games the old adage, “You play the people not the cards”.

After studying my countless evenings with the GGP, I realized two very important things. Poker is all about lying, and I am in fact an incredible liar. A gigantic dick waving contest, and he with the most showmanship wins.

Now I fully understand that it is gambling. I understand that there is an unpredictable nature and you may be up against the suck-out king of Los Feliz. There are bad breaks, miscalculations, or just generally shitty luck. But like golf, it’s the hits not the misses that keep you coming back. When you swing that driver and that little fucker comes flying off the tee and sounds like its not going to stop until it hits the moon, yeah. That’s why you keep coming back.

After years of martial arts, fencing, hockey, and fist fighting you become accustomed to things most people never understand. It’s a beautiful nexus of training, practice, and experience. When in the course of combat there is that split second if shining glory. When everything you have done has been executed flawlessly. When there is that very specific look in another man’s eye when he knows, deep in his soul, that whatever he holds holy has betrayed him and he is in fact……fucked.

I’ve never experienced that from a slot machine. No bingo parlor has brought me the visceral feeling of raw man dominance as a dojo. But poker has. I have watched a grown man lose his fucking mind when my pair of deuces destroyed his impressive attempt to buy the pot. I have witnessed the gnashing of teeth when after bluffing another man to fold out of a hundred dollar pot, I refused to show my hand because he didn’t, “pay to see them”.

So if there was a point to make, I’ve forgotten it. I don’t enjoy beating a machine, but I do enjoy beating the happiness out of another human being. Repeatedly.

Ceterum censeo Hollywood esse delendam.